How I'm hitting the reset button again...

A recent post on LinkedIn that I casually commented on by sharing my own personal story about the time I hitch hiked a lift, travelling 600km overnight on a long-haul truck just to make a job interview on time. I commented on LinkedIn without giving it much thought actually. It nevertheless struck a nerve that made me realise I need to go back into my past, dig up the old memories to help ignite the fire-in-my-belly, thus provoking me out of a slumber zone that I found myself recently experiencing (even before covid-19). 

The theory: by reflecting on my past stories, building blocks that "made me ME", I would be encouraged to continue moving forward with a renewed sense of energy and purpose. To become that bold, daring & courageous individual again. Someone who always went against the grain, never one to follow the herd or play-it-safe. An owner of my path, unafraid of uncertainty or the unknown, with a sense of curiosity in all things life & work, not swayed by people be they corporate executives, colleagues, friends or family. Equipped with my reliance on God and my confidence in my own strengths & abilities, having a strong sense of faith and fine-tuned instincts...daring to be different! How do I find that guy again? 

After all, I have indeed successfully navigated through many challenges and obstacles in the past despite my background, to get to where I am today of which, I am immensely proud of, so why should I settle now?  Should the next 20 years not be filled with even more?? But it seems my flame was dying out, so  I began to ask myself whatever happened to that flame? How do I re-ignite it? Whatever happened to being that lion? Have I settled for a life of ease and comfort? Am I comfortable doing routine work? Why do I need to play the system, be under the radar just because I'm close to having made it? What's so important about job title anyway? Does my work really define my identity?

I needed to find my story again and was sure the clues were waiting to be found hidden in my past. I'm sharing this because just maybe, I'm not alone in this boat - that this exercise might be something others could find useful too, in helping you with instigating the change you seek. When I did travel back it time, it occurred to me how much my work or career defined my life!? Victim of circumstance or not, it was quite revealing that my profession which stemmed from being conditioned by the system of Life programming to work hard and survive - shaped my life's choices.

Still, I contend that over the years we tend to forget who we were (sometimes it could be argued this is a good thing depending on one's past circumstances). We also lose touch of our inner core. To some extent possibly even forget our own roots. We thus enter either a comfort zone of complacency or living life through wilful ignorance. That is, who we are today is not so clear anymore because we've forgotten our past!

HAS THE LION INSIDE OF ME BEEN TAMED?? 

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT FIRE IN MY BELLY??

My inner voice shouts!!

Have I really arrived? It can't be, but I'm still quite young!?

One of my greatest fears is to reach a point in my life where I'm resentful, i.e. of having regrets about missed opportunities. Taking the safe path instead of the uncertain, uncharted one. As we get older, start a family, climb the career ladder, the less inclined we are to taking risks, to upsetting the balance or causing disruption to our family's lives or to breaking away from accepted social/cultural or even professional norms. 

There are indeed times when we need to be patient, be wise, show grit and resilience by deferring rewards for later (delaying gratitude), but this tactic too if used too often or unwisely, may just only be a crutch that we hold on to - because actually, deep down, we're afraid to admit that we fear the unknown, so we often settle for the safety net of waiting for that retirement pension as an example, to only then start enjoying life. In another LinkedIn post, I described this as Life Programming.

We seek out excuses, governed by rationality or play the sacrificial card of putting our own personal interests last, ahead of the rights of our family, spouse or children. We may have created a personal value system that expects self-sacrifice. We may make our worlds larger than what we can neither control nor influence (like we should be so grateful because others have it much worse than us, why chase the world when you're got it good now, look at the trouble in other countries, better to be thankful and let it be, don't be too ambitious, etc?). Sometimes we use our religion and faith in a way that promotes static stagnancy than taking on risks (why should I be an ungrateful servant by chasing this world of "dunyah"?). Sometimes we compromise our core values and passions because the money is just too good to resist. Sometimes we place unusually high notions about rights of the companies we work for, or attach sense of loyalty to our bosses or the teams we lead or work with. In our minds, this sacrificial attitude conjures up feelings of goodness, almost a saintliness, that can be blinding us from the hard truths...self-preservation is not necessarily a selfish act, after all, this world is fleeting, and we must therefore not waste ourselves with our limited time on earth, we each deserve an experience worth living...and to do so, action, re-action & forward momentum is needed IMHO.

Personally, I've been riding this roller coaster for some years now, so I created a model called RAGE, to help provide guardrails to prioritise the various streams in my life & help with decision-making rules (I'm an engineer after all). This tool has served me and others (friends, family & colleagues) quite well, I've received some good endorsements...

My theories are also shared by others, take for example Bernadette Jiwa, author of Story Driven, what she has to say about this topic:

We're so busy trying to connect the dots looking forward, we overlook the opportunity to learn from the experiences, not just the mistakes, of the the past. We don't spend as much time looking back as we should. I don't mean just to reminisce about fond memories or to regret stupid mistakes. But rather, to reflect on the significance of our stories, remind ourselves of our resourcefulness and reinforce our sense of identity. History, heritage and hindsight are powerful teachers. But we're in too much of a hurry to reach higher ground to learn from them....

I started my thinking & writing on this topic long before reading Jiwa's book, I'm really glad I did though. There's much more work on self-awareness that I need to unpack, for instance, Part Three "Developing Your Story-Driven Strategy" is packed with some of these soul-searching questions. 

I'm still processing these questions in the background in the context of my RAGE model; and may just follow-up with another blog post, sharing them here for you to help your reflection:

What's the hardest thing you've ever done?

What did doing the hard thing teach you about yourself?

Who are the two people who have had the biggest impact on your life?

What did you learn from them?

What was your first job and what valuable lessons did you learn there?

What's your proudest memory? Why?

When are you at your best?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would that be? Why?

What's the one thing you wouldn't change about yourself? Why?

How can you bring more of that thing you wouldn't change into your work?

Go back in time five years. What's the thing your old self would be most proud that you've achieved?

How would you like to be remembered?

The exercise: How to find the flame again & then make it stick?

• 
  Go back in time, rewind the clock to trigger memories that you think have shaped & molded you...just write whatever comes to mind...then study, analyse and look for common themes. 
• Take those themes and create affirmations (this is where it gets private and personal).
• Write those affirmations down, keep them with you wherever you go.
• Start your day with repeating those affirmations out loud to yourself.
• Whenever you're in doubt or feeling glum, use your affirmations to get you out of that funk.
• You should notice a change, soak this in, observe yourself in this moment.
• Use this energy to immerse yourself in solving/creating your next challenge / opportunity.
• Do this together with keeping track of your RAGE plan & journal your experiences.

Does this thing work? Is this some mumbo-jumbo new age thing?

Maybe, but all I can say this has certainly worked for me - so much so that I'm now out of my funk. This has helped me create yet another defining moment in my life that I'm living through right now as I write this...

My affirmations

I trust in God, have hope in God's Mercy & Generosity always.

I am always thankful to God. With God by my side....I...

I love my parents and am grateful to them, love my siblings and my family.

I love my wife & 3 children, my anchors in life. 

I am driven, self-motivated & brave.

I choose courage over comfort.

I hustle.

I am a survivor.

I don't blame anyone for my circumstances.

I am not afraid of the unknown.

I am comfortable with uncertainty.

I have overcome many challenges in life.

I have shown grit, patience, perseverance.

I am determined to succeed.

I make calculated decisions.

I am bold. 

I take chances. I dive in, sometimes in complete darkness, but I go anyway.

I am always moving forward, never looking back to "what ifs".

I break stereotypes.

I dare to dream.

I question the status quo.

I remain curious. Curiosity is a good thing.

I have taken chances in my life that paid off.

I tend to go against the mould.

I persevere.

I am relentless.

I keep going.

I have never depended on help from anyone unless help is extended.

I hold myself accountable for my own life.

I don't seek hand-outs, ever.

I value my relationships with trusted friends.

I seek their council & can count on when in trouble or difficulty.

I am grateful to all who played a part in helping me.

I help others in need whenever I can.

I have a responsibility to pay it forward to my family, friends and others.

I have always been responsible for my future.

I take responsibility for my life.

I fear no man.

I believe Nobody owes me anything.

I contend that Not everyone needs to like me.

I am comfortable with myself. 

I am only in competition with myself.

I hold myself accountable to high standards.

I loathe mediocrity. I am always learning to improve and grow.

I remind myself often: The only one keeping score is myself, no one else.

I seek counsel from people but take full responsibility for the final decision.

I have confidence in my abilities.

I become an expert in a subject in a short time. 

I know that every new endeavour will at first be uncertain and difficult.

I gain comfort in past memories.

I have what it takes to accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I trust my gut instincts and intuition. 

I have initiative and drive - my past speaks for itself.

I have proven myself more than capable on many fronts life-and-work. 

I am world-class.

I am an innovator.

I have walked away from many an opportunity when it just didn't feel right.

I started from zero a few times in my life, I can do it again if need be.

I do not hang around for the safety of a pay cheque.

I have walked away from many a past opportunity with no regrets. 

I pave my own way, make my own path, with the help of God.

I strongly believe: Taking the safe, comfortable path has never been my way.

I alone am responsible for shaping my future career. 

I cherish and nurture the networks I've created.

I look deep into my past to shape my future - adaptability is key.

I love and respect my roots, no matter humble.

I am who I am, my past is mine to own, my future is mine to create, my present is mine to act. 

I know the only obstacle blocking my path is myself. 

I hold myself accountable to my own value system, not other peoples'.

I am self-aware.

I am mindful of my ego & keep it in check always.

I am humble but I don't tolerate nonsense.

My Backstory

Here's some stories that are helping me re-ignite my flame...

• 
  I grew up not rich, not middle-class, not poor and not in poverty either. My ancestors came to South Africa from India as indentured labourers most likely to work the sugar cane fields in Natal, I don't know where from since there's no paper records to trace back to. 
• So I was exposed to the reality of the system of economics & social inequality as I grew up in apartheid. So I was always reminded about the reality "unfairness" of life, practicality, hard working humility, from an early age. We could not afford a car until I started working professionally, neither did we spend our childhood enjoying family vacations away from home. We sometimes didn't have the means to enjoy even the small pleasures of school excursions, school photos or even attend my final year farewell party of high school. Despite the lack of financial means, I can't fault my parents, family & friends for not sheltering us from these realities and filling our house & hearts with love, warmth & protection. My childhood was a blessing upon reflection, our elders did a great job providing psychological safety & groomed us to survive whatever challenges came our way.

• 
  My late father was indeed a blue collar shoe factory worker, a machinist, one of the best actually, who won many awards for his craft. Although earning just above the minimum wage for much of his life - he taught me so much about hard work, dedication, setting goals, patience, humility, honour, respect, bravery & frugal money management - that I never really had a chance to thank him in this life though.  I was much too hard on him. In fact, I was quite naive! To the extent of living my life with a purpose of "never to become like my father" as I saw his lack of ambition and drive as a weakness not a strength. How naive was I!? I went through life with blinkers on, driven to be better than my father, to never become that guy who settled...alas, how ignorant was I, only to realise years later that I've got so much to thank my father for!!  

• Despite our financial difficulties growing up, I honestly can't fault my parents for not providing a safe, secure, humble, warm and loving home. Home was always our sanctuary, it still is - every time I go back to my parents home (which is now taken care for by my brother and I), I am reminded of where I started: the tiny room I spent my life studying in, the small house that was never really empty, always bustling with visitors, our food table always welcoming to many guests, the wonderful conversations I'd have with my elders about their past, discuss world politics and life...one should never forget one's roots, home is where the heart is...whenever I need to recharge and remember who I am, I find solace back home...

• 
  So I grew up with a practical head, my eyes wide open to the realities. I knew I needed to study hard, do my best at school. I started working part-time in high-school (following my elder brother's lead) whilst my friends were enjoying their teenage freedoms. At the age of 11/12, I was responsible enough to do grocery shopping & pay the bills, I knew what my father earned and the total running costs of the household. I grew up knowing that my duty was to take care & support my parents, siblings, etc. That I needed to pay it forward for my siblings and their children as well. I helped my father get his drivers licence and bought him his first car. My parents have been overseas, an idea that would've been impossible to even dream about growing up. 

• During high school, I had applied to hundreds of institutions for bursaries and scholarships, consistently for four years since grade 10, all through facing rejection but I never once gave up trying. I did this on my own, without help from anyone. I went to the library, enquired about bursaries, photocopied all the forms (there was no internet then), and I would send letters and apply to literally hundreds of companies (back then we just transitioning out of apartheid, the companies were not as diverse as they are today, and most of the bursary/scholarship forms were still in Afrikaans and had conditions like military service). I tried my best in high school, although I thought I could have scored more As, but I couldn't afford to send my papers for remarking and so settled with my grades, it was an A aggregate which was still nevertheless excellent. Even with these grades, it was a proud moment to be accepted to medical school...

• 
  I learnt through persistence. I taught myself computers by reading books even though I did not own a computer at the time. In high school, students were only allowed one computer lesson starting in Grade 9, I on the other hand, camped out the computer room everyday until the teacher granted me access, from Grade 7/8, break times, afternoons, etc. Later in high school, I would persistently complete the maths syllabus in advance, and learn new concepts in programming too. I demonstrated the same curious energy when I worked part-time at the retail store. Starting in sales, moving to finance clerk then made my way to the IT department, to being given freedom to run POS installations in branches by myself. Took the same persistence wherever I landed - be it in Dublin, where I closed the gap on my computer science, or in UK where I innovated a Talking TV EPG for the Blind, a personal project of mine. I took initiative, met with customers & spread the word inside the company, throughout the 4 continents, later landing the best, highly coveted technical position in the advanced technology division. 

• 
  At the end of high school I was successful in getting placed at Wits medical school, but had to turn the offer down, because I lacked the financial means, couldn't get financial aid not even a bank loan. 

• At 18, that was quite a defining moment for me: A phone call determines my fate in medicine, I realise I really have no one to back me up, I had to do things on my own. That was the first major turning point in my life, bringing it all home - that I'm alone in this fight, it's up to me to work my way out. There were no adults in my family or friends that ventured to stand guarantor for a bank study loan for me. So I thought I'd just continue working and try to find a way to study part-time.

• 
  I had worked part-time at Asmalls in Pietermaritzburg as a teenager growing up selling shoes, clothes, working for retail, doing finance admin as a clerk and IT support. This hard work and "not standing still", got me noticed by the owner of this retail store, interviewed me and agreed to finance my studies when he learnt I was not studying. He took a chance on me. I am forever grateful. I chose engineering not because I had tinkered in building stuff growing up, but because it was the sensible degree to choose on paper as the next best thing to medicine, better than computer science (which was really my passion), providing the best of both worlds. Also, engineering jobs paid more, and I could start earning money sooner...so as usual, with no one else to guide me, I made what I thought as the practical sensible realistic choice.

• 
  I never gave up hope for bursaries or scholarships. This consistency of purpose paid off that in my 3rd year, I got through and landed a bursary from Vodacom. This enabled me to live independently and experience freedom (which wasn't always a good thing). I moved out of boarding with family to sharing a flat with fellow students, and thus learnt what it meant to live responsibly. 

• Eventually I would work for Vodacom during vacations setting up mobile base stations and doing drive-by quality of network experience testing. Vodacom was great in supporting me, unfortunately there was no automatic placement post graduation.

• As much as I did not quite enjoy half of electronic engineering topics because my intended software courses dropped away, by that time I was very much fully committed to seeing the degree through in four years, so no turning back. I couldn't whine about it, just get on with it. I was thankful for the bursary and committed to work for the company even though broadcast/radio was not my thing, and assumed the job would naturally follow upon graduation, but it didn't. Even on completing my engineering degree, I turned down three jobs before landing a job in the field I'd studied! I did not want to waste my hard slog of four years by not at least experiencing the job of an engineer! 

• 
  Eventually I would land a real engineering job with UEC outside my home city. I would bunk in the lounge at my student friend's flat, later would end up boarding at a distant family's residence, closer to the work. Ever ready to adapt to changing circumstances. UEC experience was great, no limitations as long as you took initiative. It was fun, stressful and sometimes quite intense. UEC set me up to take the leap to my life overseas.

• 
  After just one year of engineering training, I took a chance - responded to an advert in Sunday Times for engineers in Dublin, Ireland. I applied, without thinking what it actually meant, all I knew was that my best chance of earning money was overseas, and best chance of knowledge to work on core software engineering was definitely not South Africa. I left my home with one suitcase and R5000 in savings, landed in Ireland without having any contacts there, absolutely zero, apart from support from the company, S3. I was on my own, first time out of the country away from home, unknown everything and I started from scratch. In one year, I had made a life in Dublin, made new friends from all over the world, my eyes opened up to life, I wasn't the introvert I thought I was. I also adapted to a new lifestyle in Dublin very well, best social life experience, honestly, I never felt like leaving Dublin, ever! 

• Working in Ireland, in the "first world" was a real eye opener for me. I became consciously aware of my incompetence. My knowledge of software engineering was lacking compared to the "first world", I was a little behind my peers and lacking some depth of computing principles I either would've learned at university if my courses hadn't been dropped; or if I had studied Computer Science.

• I had to ramp-up and teach myself all the things I should've learnt at university (if the courses weren't dropped). I ended up on a project that really stretched my ability, but I did not give up. Instead I dug in deeper and through this I had also secured a placement to study my Masters in Computer Science, from a world-class university, that would then bolster and take my South African education to another level, I hoped.

• I also experienced my first-and-only layoff in Ireland, made redundant, something I wasn't expecting it. I was gutted. My world was about to shatter. I was just settling down to a nice routine, enjoying my work, good social network. Without much opportunity left in Ireland, I applied to UK since I did not want to return back to South Africa. Using my savings wisely, I remained in Dublin until I found a job in UK. 

• In between I got married. I completely funded the wedding myself, including the relocation to UK, etc. It was a simple, down-to-earth wedding, but I do take some pride that I did this all by myself, without asking anyone for any financial help.

• One of my proudest milestones has to be raising my engineering skills to become recognised as a Principal Engineer in the UK, as a result of my innovating text-to-speech technologies to make a Talking TV, as a side off-the-work-books project. 

• Following closely behind was gaining my Masters in Computer Science from a world-class international university. These are important to me because coming from South Africa, it certainly means a lot. I remember some colleagues in Ireland and UK just scoffing sarcastically when I shared I worked for an SA company which they had previous interactions with (they held SA engineers in low regard at the time). The UK being  a serious meritocracy where competition is tough, meant getting that job as a principal engineer for me was quite vindicating! 

• 
  To know that I could hold my own amongst senior engineering peers, architects and managers who - I felt small compared to them - who had also applied for the same job as I, felt really good! Working with a small group of engineers, who's day job it was think up big ideas disrupting the market bootstrapping start-ups, was a dream come true for me. 

• I am grateful I was able to climb up both the technical and management career ladder in the UK and not in South Africa. IMHO this is because it is somewhat difficult in SA to decipher if your promotion was based fully on merit or whether a "previously-disadvantaged background quota filter for equity and diversity" actually influenced the decision making process. Despite South Africa being "free" for 25+ years now, there's still so much to fix in the corporate world. Let's just say, there's still a lot of biased perceptions going on in this country. Non-white people are still doubted here which is sad really, actually quite frustrating at times! So yeah, I actually derive great personal satisfaction and comfort in knowing I actually made it entirely on my own in the UK, based on my own merits, in what is probably the hardest parts of the world when it comes to high-performance "world-class" output. So this achievement is still my story worth cherishing.

• 
  My career was spent learning-on-the-job and through self-study. Whenever I started a new role, I would become expert in the subject matter, by reading & learning from others. I was not afraid to jump in the deep end, challenge status quo and be different. Always self-aware, I had a sense of what I needed to improve, but I never doubted myself. I remember a few internal interviews where I shared my ambition of being a Jack of All Trades, Master of Some, of running my own company one day, I was told I had too high ambitions, but that feedback never deterred me! I can indeed claim to be a generalist with specialist skills, I am indeed a Jack of all trades, master of some!

• 
  After 10 years overseas, I decided to return to SA. It was a scary decision to make - leave the life we were building that promised a good future for our kids, we had given up SA citizenship (the thought of returning to SA was alien to us for many years), then we made a U-Turn to return back to SA!! 

• I had zero savings, no private pension to cash out, which meant starting from zero again, but this time in debt, with a wife and three kids to support. To boot, the job I landed in SA was a junior one as well - but I returned anyway, I embraced the uncertainty nevertheless.

• The decision was emotionally biased as well, dispelling much logic or rationale. I recall coming close to a nervous breakdown realising missed opportunities in SA as one example. So I felt we needed to return home to be closer to family. I also wanted to allow my kids to open there eyes to real world problems and challenges they wouldn't normally be exposed to had they continued to grow up in UK. At the time UK felt boring and perfect, whereas Africa felt more vibrant and alive!

• 
  After experiencing work in South Africa, I soon realised that my education, training and work-experience was on another higher level compared to the local talent. I could provide much more value working at higher levels, close to director / CTO level. I thus quickly gained respect and credibility to get promoted to running pretty much the entire project end-to-end. Yet another personally rewarding experience for me, since in the UK I would've been a couple levels below  that of program director, but in South Africa, I became THE CHIEF Program Director - how exciting!! I realised that whilst I sacrificed financial rewards in UK, my knowledge, skills, experiences gained there, paved my way forward to own and confidently perform senior roles in SA that would've taken me a few more years to reach had I been in UK. It was also quite eye opening in terms of the skills gap and opportunities in South Africa. Equally revealing was that I could in fact, return back to the UK with senior management/executive experience, something that would've taken me far longer to break through had I not left the UK in the first place. 

• After a couple years working in SA, I was not happy with the work. I felt I needed to operate at a much higher level really. The work began to feel very routine and no longer challenging, because I was operating on skills & expertise from UK on autopilot. The projects I was running, whilst "state-of-the-art" for South Africa, was quite old news to me since I'd done them before, years ago. I considered myself an expert in that field of work (set top box engineering) and therefore I needed to change. 

• Me being the hustler I am, I convened a meeting with the executives, pitched my offering to them, explained I could provide so much more value to the group if I was set free, used the "tamed lion" analogy - and successfully negotiated an exit agreement that saw me start my management consulting gig. It was a win-win for both sides, as I'd continue to support the business as a consultant, and be free to branch out to other technology & business projects within the group & external non-compete companies as well. I took a chance, was brave to leave comfort of a secure, stable job...but it paid off!

• So I decided to leave the comfort of a permanent, secure job and good career progression; to become a management consultant into unknown territory! This opened up a few opportunities, expanded my network and also exposed me the the bigger world of business. In a relatively short-period of time, I cleared my ALL my debt, and our lifestyle started to surpass that which we had in the UK, although I've remained very disciplined not to let my lifestyle follow the gains made. So leaving the comfort of a permanent job, trusting in my ability to venture on my own, taking chances, building professional credibility did pay off. 

• I would again later leave management consulting and rejoin the collective again to take up a challenge of being CTO, yet another change that stretched my potential. Why did I do this? I had a safe consulting gig, with a good pipeline of work, in control of my own time, working at times a four-day week, and earning good money. I was relatively independent and free. Then I decide to join the matrix again, become part of the collective. Why? Because I wanted a new challenge and was becoming bored of consulting. I also wanted to prove to myself I could switch career tracks again, go back into technical, and prove myself & the sceptics wrong. I am very glad I did so, got to work with a great bunch of people, learnt so much & achieved very good results. The experience provided everything that was missing in terms of my next career jump - and in terms of the original goal I'd set myself, i.e. to be a Jack of All Trades, Master of Some, equipped with the tools to run my own start-up company one day, I believe I've done it. I have the ability to run a company if I wanted to, or lead very large teams as CIO/CTO...so what's my next challenge then?

• 
  I tend to get bored once I feel I have acquired mastery or proficiency in an experience. I usually give the job a minimum of 24-30 months to acquire a high level of competency, anything longer ranging between 3-5 years (depending on the project or requirements of the role), I consider  optional or sufficient time to reach a higher level of mastery. I do try to finish what I've started or at least aim to leave at a point in time where I know it is safe to let go and pass the baton on.  

• I do take care not to burn bridges, this is very important. I've learnt that having the courage to leave it all behind and walk-away is actually not so bad, in fact my experience has taught me it is  quite a healthy thing to do! I've hit reboot a few times already and it wasn't so bad. Life & work goes on - one should never feel one is indispensable, that's just pure hubris! Life is about exploration, standing still can't be an option.

• 
  As I've recalled these stories from my past, I felt the energy build up creating a burning desire to do something different yet again! I have accomplished many feats in the past, so I can definitely accomplish much, much more into the future! I decided again to not settle nor to stand still. The next twenty years I have left in my life can definitely be as interesting, if not more exciting and rewarding than my past twenty years!! It is indeed time for another change! I'm about to fill in the gaps in my life/work plan that I shared previously.... 

continue reading here. 

Year 2019 in Review, Welcome 2020!

I'm now entering my fifth year of time logging and keeping track of all my "life & work"-streams in an effort to make sense of my time sinks, cross-checking my aspirations & goals with reality, in the hope of tuning, re-calibrating areas to be more in harmony with my purpose / value system, sometimes triggering some decisions that could take my life-and-work in a different direction altogether. So I've become a bit of geek with the #quantifiedself so much so that I log almost everything all the time. This habit developed naturally as I spent five years consulting, needing to keep track of all my hours and tasks for billable hours. So I took this all the way into treating my entire life as one big project with multiple tasks that needed accounting!

In 2015, I spent a lot of time soul-searching to make sense of not only what I want out of my life but my work/career aspirations as well, since a major part of my life involves my occupation in the software industry. So I came up with a model called RAGE (Reality, Aspirations, Goals, Expectations). The way the model works is to split yourself into "Personas" sliced into Personal and Professional streams. Using some tools from Agile, such as user stories, you describe for each of your personas, your aspirations, reflecting on your current reality, then setting goals and expectations. Your personas are prioritised by value, which is basically an instinctive, gut-feel assessment of the value/importance of the stream, in comparison to the others. I'd created template and a matrix tool that allowed for easy prioritisation, and a template to help others on this journey as well. My hypothesis still remains valid that tracking time is one way of understanding where my time is being spent, proposing "I will naturally spend most of time dedicated to the persona streams that are of importance to me" - but the reality can sometimes be quite surprising!

In this post, I continue with my annual ritual of starting the new year by analysing what went down the previous year (2019), and how/what I would need to re-calibrate to get me on track with my life's journey-mapping into 2020:

• Recap my personal value system - persona matrix & priorities
• Snapshot of tracking my RAGE progress by milestone reviews heatmap
• Performance appraisal - Did I achieve my intended outcomes / goals set in Jan 2019?
• Quantifying every hour of 2019 - where did I spend my time, what did I do?
• Does it look like I have my life-work balance under control?
• Am I working too much, sacrificing my personal and family streams?
• Am I enjoying my current job?
• What are the main things impacting my future personal & professional aspirations?

On choices, decisions, initiative, career planning: lessons, looking back

Image Source

At a recent town hall with my technology division (100+ people: frontend & backend engineers, platforms & infrastructure systems engineers, system architects, agile specialists, AI/ML engineers, Agile PMO & technical ops monitors), I opened up by giving my perspective on expected behaviours & responsibilities of the individual, especially when it comes to career development & growth aspirations.

The message was about taking a personal ownership for one's own growth, rather than leaving it up to the company or one's manager (a message that surfaced a few times in recent OfficeVibe feedback) - that the responsibility largely lies with the individual. Yes, managers/leaders are there to support you & guide you along the way, but only you know what defines you as a person, so don't leave it up to others to determine a path for you...

Reflecting on my own journey, it all comes down to understanding your current reality, weighing the choices on the table, defining your aspirations, taking initiative,  processing & reflecting through assessing the outcome of the initiatives, finding great people to learn from, tracking your trajectory on the path to growth. The path is not always clear, sometimes adjustments need to be made, sometimes a little backtracking is needed to enable the next leap forward - still, it all comes down to one's own personal ownership & level of commitment to controlling one's own future.

I thought I'd share my own timeline as guidance for people who might be stuck. Interestingly enough, although I only recently started formally implementing my own management framework around life/work planning by way of my RAGE model, that I was actually instinctively using this decision-making model all the time.

My timeline table shows the major periods in my career, commenting on reality of the situation at the time, choices I faced, decision made & eventual outcome. I think anyone who's considering what to do next with their career plan should do a similar exercise for their own sense-making.

My Perspectives

1. Gain a keen appreciation for your current situational reality and take responsibility for it. Yes, reality sucks sometimes, but you got to play the hand you're dealt, don't let that get you down.  It is possible to change your reality. I made hard choices based on my reality of being caught in a low-income family, living through Apartheid.
2. Discover your key motivations and use them as your guiding compass, some call it your "value system". I believed in myself and my ability to make things happen. If I felt my knowledge was lacking, I would learn & close the gaps myself. Don't assume you know everything, there are tons of smart people out there. I got a huge awakening when I went overseas, so much so that I had to learn software engineering & computer science all over again.
3. Don't go seeking hand-outs or help, but if people or companies do extend their generosity, don't naively turn them down. There will be good people helping you along the way. After trying many avenues of financial aid/scholarships without success, I thought help would never come my way, but it eventually did.
4. Don't bog yourself down with "If Only", or "What If" - this creates negativity & unnecessary anxieties. Move on, look forward. Sure, reflect on the past, learn from it, but never let it hold you back. You're in control of shaping your own reality. I chose a path that was the most practical, I switched jobs just as I was going to be promoted, I left big projects just as they were about to land, I left a start-up thinking I had a job lined up (but it didn't happen), I left what others would say is madness (left the stability of UK to return to volatile SA). Leaving UK was very difficult for me from a professional experience sacrifice, but I never allowed doubt and negativity to bog me down.
5. If you want a good measure of your skills or experience an alternate reality, leave your country & work overseas. Even though the world has gone smaller through globalisation, that even in South Africa we do work with international teams, I still think getting overseas exposure is one of the best things one can do. Living and working in different countries exposes you to a different world of experiences. If you're under the age of 35, then you should try it. It doesn't have to mean relocating or emigrating, it could be a temporary secondment for a year or two. I was fortunate to experience working with many cultures across the globe on some really big projects. I learnt so much in a short space of time, it took my engineering skills to another level. As for Planning, Management & Execution principles, in my opinion, the UK ethic is world-class.
6. Become comfortable with uncertainty & embrace the unknown, even it means leaving your home town/country for another one. You get this only through experience, and having been through at least one transition into the unknown. I've seen a few - it's not so bad, you must embrace your fear of uncertainty.
7. Develop a learning & growth mindset - in any new role, work hard to learn as much as you can, by reading, studying, latching on to people as mentors, read other people's code through open source projects, etc. I became expert in a few areas: MPEG/DVB protocol spec & implementation, C & C++ coding, Voice synthesis & Text-to-Speech, Project, Agile Program Management & Execution, Professional services consulting and more recently Leadership skills. This doesn't come easy: I read a ton, implement the tools, learn from experienced, the wise, still remaining open to new experiences, no matter how edgy they might make me feel.
8. Be ready to start-over again more than once - switch roles, domains or industries, sometimes what might seem to be a step or two backwards, actually turns out to be better than hoped. I started over at least 5 times in my career of 20 years. If you're in software, sure you can specialise (and there's nothing wrong with that) but you must then become expert at what you do. To grow in software, my view is to learn as many tools as possible, switch every two years. One of the best ways to do this is side projects, open source communities. Don't wait for your company to reserve hackathon sprints, or 20% time - take ownership. I taught myself text-to-speech synthesis on my own, developed POCs in my spare time and proved to company the potential innovation. If I had not taken initiative, I probably would not have landed the ultimate technical role I dreamt of.
9. Don't pass the responsibility for your career on to someone else (your manager or company), rather you should have a view of your own map, your end goal. Your company or leaders can help with options available, guide on the gaps you need to fill - and it's even better when the company has a decent career ladder in place. Never pass the buck on and make excuses that your company / manager does not care, that you don't have enough syncs 1:1s or feedback sessions with your manager. You need to take ownership, period. In the companies I worked for, we at least had a decent career-ladder in place, showing all the upwards, sideways opportunities available. I made it clear to my leaders at the time, that my ultimate goal was to become a "Jack of all trades, but Master of SOME" T/PI-Shaped skills. They knew that when I'd enter a new role, I would learn, produce outcomes and then move on, thankfully, I had very good leaders that did not stand in my way. If you feel obstructed by your leader / team / company, first dig deep within yourself to reflect on whether your own behaviours need improving, and if you're still convinced it's not you, then leave, change your environment, change your circumstances.
10. Don't get complacent or too confident your role is secure, retrenchments & redundancies are a reality, business-is-business. I got my first taste of layoffs when I was still a junior software engineer, naively thinking I was in a good place by virtue of being part of a cool new product team, and owning some key components. Since that first-and-only layoff (in 20 years), I developed my "spider senses" - and decided that it would always be me that decides whether I stay or leave, not a market event or the company.
11. Do not grow an entitled mindset, or have unrealistic expectations from your employer. Say you studied hard and earned additional paper qualifications: MSc, MBA, PMP, etc. Don't expect the company to automatically increase your salary or grant you a promotion. Say your own personal life changes, you get married or have children, so you have more responsibility at home. Why should you expect your company to give you an increase, if the work you're doing hasn't materially changed, or your output is still the same, and you're still working at the level the role expects?? At the end of the day, it's up to you to manage your personal circumstances, it's not the company responsibility now to just automatically reward you or make your life easier financially - NO - you have to work at it. If you gained new qualifications, you need to show an interest in contributing your newly acquired knowledge, showing value. If you're seeking a promotion, you must show you've actively contributed covering much of the roles/output of the next role you're seeking. Companies don't owe you anything - so don't come up with unreasonable expectations or feel entitled. It's all about your output, meritocracy  is the only thing that matters.
12. Becoming your own boss, running your own consultancy is hard work, be prepared to fail in this area. Although branching out on your own can be enormously liberating & exciting, unless you have a large network to tap into, moving from one consulting engagement to another, building up clientele & a pipeline of work, growing your team - whilst a lot of people have made this a successful venture - it is actually quite hard to do. I was fortunate to secure the company I left as my major client, although, the client only wanted to work with me, so in effect, I never really left! Without a strong network, the going was tough trying to break into other clients, even after doing some pro bono consulting work. You must invest a lot of time & energy, unpaid hours to build your own consultancy, something I didn't do, which showed I wasn't really fully invested in this venture. So I shut my company down, and was pulled back in by the strong gravitational forces of the big company. I learnt a great deal, became a better salesman, and became confident in interacting with C-Level executives. Consulting however, is a sure way to make extra money than being a permanent employee, but it comes with its own set of risks.
13. Show gratitude. Whilst you might think that you're in control and the result of your successes are due to your own hard work, sweat and tears, never become arrogant and ignore that other forces helped you get this far. Take time to seriously reflect on this, and you will soon identify people or events that helped, and when these surface - be thankful & show your gratitude, develop humility. Although I was brought up in low-income household, I never once felt not having a complete home, or solid upbringing on life skills - if anything - this actually shaped my personal motivational value system. I never regretted or blamed my parents, I had a good childhood, was taught responsibility & key life skills. I've acknowledged people, friends and family that shaped my reality, the leaders in the various companies I worked with, were supportive, friendly and encouraging - I learnt so much from them, and still continue to learn from them today. Sometimes, when you're in the thick of the day-to-day job, you might not like what your manager says or does (over controlling, micromanaging, lecturing), and it's only when you leave, you realise the wisdom and lessons being taught. It's not always about you, and if you're leading teams, show appreciation for your teams as well. Your success is a result of your team's output. As you develop into senior roles, your visible output might become less-and-less, but you're still working hard through people, in the background. Never think you're the sole reason behind success - there's so much more that goes on, that we're often blindsided - don't get blindsided, actively seek out your blind spots.
14. Be patient. Patience is linked to gratitude. Be patient with your role, allow enough time to learn the essence of the domain. Once you're comfortable & confident in your appreciation of the essence or core principles and you've remained long enough in the role to complete 1-2 major pieces of work / projects, then allow yourself the opportunity to move on. But don't rush things through, learning needs time to soak. Personally I'm always doubtful when I come across people's CVs hopping from one permanent role to the next in less than 18 months (this is because the major initiatives usually run for at least 18 months). From my experience, this (9-15 months) is just not enough time to do justice or have made a serious contribution in terms of outcomes (unless the gig was to rescue, recover or revive a project as a major intervention, or consulting gig). For me, it's been roughly a minimum of 18 months provided I felt confident in my results. I just about completed my engineer-in-training role after university when I took a big chance, although successful, in retrospect, I had big gaps to close anyway. The more higher one climbs the ladder, the more patient one needs to be, which means 18 months could grow to 24-36 months minimum. Currently I'm resisting the urge to switch, knowing that I still have another year to go before I can claim to have truly owned the role, so patience becomes a necessity.
15. It's not always about the money or job title - neither does "years in role" contribute to "seniority". Although I might risk passing a value judgement on other people here, what I found is that money should not be a driving motivation, if you've set your sights on a learning and growth mindset. Sure, you can hop from one job/company to the next every 12 months or so, on each move your salary jumps - but if you're effectively not learning new skills or growing, is it worth it? Job titles are also relative, what's in a name after all? What matters is what you can do, and the value you bring to the table. What I found also trips people up is this complex of "seniority" based on "I've worked so many years in this role, hence I deserve a promotion as a senior xyz". In my journey, I sacrificed salary growth for knowledge, experience and a wide/deep toolbox of skills/capabilities. Later when things became challenging financially, other opportunities opened up that boosted my income, which wouldn't have been possible if I'd not honed by capabilities & demonstrated value as a result of experience. I once had a manager who, in his previous company was a VP of Engineering only to become a development manager in his next role - two steps back. I'd asked him why he made the move, this was when I learnt that work/life isn't just about the title. He restarted two levels down and in a short space of time, was back to being a Director of Engineering. I had a team leader once who was performing in the role of manager, but was so humble and patient that having the title did not bother him much. I have seen engineers who effectively remain doing similar activities for years, expecting a promotion by virtue of being doing the same job, even though the competencies haven't grown (e.g. influencing group/country/global teams, taking ownership, showing initiative) - so if you want a promotion, you need to earn it! I've also seen people who are content being a software engineer (with no aspirations of seniority/leadership), but who are expert at what they do, adding so much value, that the company provides enough incentives to keep the person happy (at times a brilliant software engineer could earn a higher salary, have indirect influence greater than his/her manager). At the end it does come down to personal motivations, and when the time does come around to being a financial/happiness constraint, then don't expect the company to help you - it's time for you to change!

My Timeline (Click here to see full table)

2018 Year In Review & 2019 Thoughts

It's that time of the year again where I look into the data for timekeeping over the past year to make sense where I spent my time, and cross-check with reality, in terms of my aspirations and goals that are split between different areas of my life by Personal & Professional areas. The idea is to gain insights from this data and re-calibrate areas of focus for the upcoming year.

Unfortunately, I haven't made much in the way of drastic progress in 2018 compared to 2017, the profile is largely the same - that my professional (work) life has consumed more time (a constant theme), my personal life in terms of family commitments are reasonably on track, and the biggest area of neglect is on my own personal, individual streams (hobbies, ideas, health and fitness). However, since I started the RAGE model experiment, I have made some good wins on other areas, so the model works, but there's still more to be done in this area - specifically around outcome-based goals.

Recap my RAGE Model (Reality, Aspirations, Goals, Expectations) Tracking

I wanted to map out the different areas of my life that defines me, split by two major areas: Personal & Professional. 

For each area, I defined some personas or streams. For example - in the Personal area, I'm a Husband, Father, Family-Man, Individual, etc. For the Professional area, I'm a professional (my main job), a colleague, etc.

For each Persona, I map out my current Reality, ideal Aspirations, and then from those two, set some Goals & align some Expectations to achieve.

Another aspect to this experiment was tracking my overall happiness and well-being. If I spent time in the areas of priority, the theory is it should count towards me being happier.

I prioritise the Personas using a simple matrix that defines how I value and rank them. I then use detailed time tracking to track the time spent doing activities for each area. The theory is that I should be focusing time and energy on the areas that reflect the ranking and priorities I set. This is the core data for analysis. For more details on how I actually do this, I am still using the manual ways as described in the original posting. Since the original version of the Personas, I'm now on version 6 which currently looks like this:

Current Persona Matrix Rankings

What this ranking does is basically show my decision-making rules: Life (Husband, Father, Family) is more important than Work (Job), which is more important than my Individual Personal streams (Hobbies, Pet Projects, Me Time, etc.). A simple-enough value system that I use to navigate through challenges.

It all looks good on the paper model, but in reality, the data highlights some food for thought that I really need to take action in 2019.

What are the big challenges for me?

What triggered my creating the RAGE model and start the detailed time tracking activities was essentially about accounting for my time, addressing the hard realities:

• Being a professional, i.e. having a stable income stream is currently a hard reality constraint. I need an income to support my family - so this is something I should not compromise on - but I still need to control it - I should not be overworking, at the expense of my personal life interests. So the data on work hours is important. When I read about pursuing dreams, passions, etc. about breaking out, taking risks, quitting your job etc. the reality around finances, lifestyle and family stability kicks-in - it's not an easy thing to do...this is a hard reality. I have to think of ways to ensure I do my best work, provide the best service to my employer, but not let work over consume me at the expense of my other streams (which as the data shows is not actually happening). Unless I can find a way to create a passive income stream outside of my main job, this constraint is going to be around for a while. The outcome for this year must be to bring my work-hours to a decent level freeing up time to focus on my personal interests.
• It's quite difficult to switch off from the office these days - even whilst at home, social media chats through Slack & WhatsApp are disruptions, that can't be tracked in hours - so whilst in "family mode", I must respond to chats - this time is unaccounted for. If I were to include all these moments as "work", then work-time increases...which is why this topic of "work-life integration" is becoming more mainstream.
• The functions of resting and sleeping for a human being is something that must be respected, and can't be compromised. I maintain an average of 8 hours of sleep per night, so this is a hard constraint. Eight hours has been validated as the ideal, I can go on for a few days with less sleep, but it's not sustainable. This means that the rest of my time must be allocated around this, with Work/Professional consuming a large chunk of this.
• Giving focus to my own personal interests as an individual, outside of being a Husband / Father / Family-Man, etc. seems like I'm sacrificing my own interests, i.e. putting myself last - and this is where the spiritual dimension of being a Muslim comes in to help - it's sometimes a struggle to deal with these frustrations.

2018 Data Insights - Tracking the Time / Hours spent

There was roughly 8,766 hours in 2018 (365.25 24-hour days), which I tracked and logged a total of 8,820 hours, which is not bad, the errors could be attributed to human error in logging (54 extra hours).

Where did the time go?

2018 Persona Hours, focus on Working Hours & Overall Happiness at work

There were 250 work days in 2018, excluding 12 public holidays. I took 34 days off as leave days, which left 216 work-days. Assuming an 8 hour workday, the capacity for work hours would be 1728 hours.

My actual work hours logged were 2155.4 hours, an excess of 427.4 hours as "overtime" which I don't really get paid for. This equates to an extra 53.4 days worked, an additional 2.5 months of extra work - which took away time from other areas, like for instance, time I could have used for my personal projects.

The table below summarises the major streams - highlighting in red, the months where work-hours exceeded the normal bounds. Overall split between life and work remains consistent with the previous two years, with my own personal individual streams taking much of the knock:

So it's clear that work-hours is an area to be controlled to free up time for allocating to personal, individual streams.

General Happiness & Well-Being at Work

I continue to track my overall happiness levels at work on a daily basis. I have also started tracking the bad days in terms of sleepless nights. In 2018 I had my fair share of stress at work that resulted in some nights where I hardly slept a wink, tossing and turning, worrying about issues at the office as well as my future in the company. This is a new stress that introduced itself last year, that I need to better manage. I tracked 12 sleepless nights, this is about 4% of the time. However, in general, the picture still looks good - I'm enjoying the work on the whole:

The last quarter of 2018 did see an increase in bad days - we had some challenges with the platform in terms of stability, new boss, changes in teams, and overall tensions and conflicts to manage & people resigning. This what triggered my blog post on workplace 3.0 last year. Additionally, my health took a bad turn as well in November. The number of "indifferent / neutral" days seems to be increasing - an area to keep track of. But in the grand scheme of things, there is more upside than downside at work, so this is still looking good! However, I do need to plan in personal time (leave days) more in the year to maintain a healthy balance.

Life in general is good, but my Personal streams are taking a knock

In general, overall - the time keeping does not contradict the priorities and rankings for my personas. I am also in a good space - health, wealth and mental space is in equilibrium (maybe this is because I've just done three weeks of of chilling out, relaxed summer vacation - back to office come Monday...). As I introduced the post earlier, on paper, I should be happy that my hours are reflecting the priorities I set & committed to...however, I can't help but feel a little down that overall my individual self interests are taking a knock...

In terms of the streams I see as my personal individual persona (i.e. the things I'm interested as person, outside of me being a Husband / Father / etc.), here's a view of the percentage focus per month (still highlighting the months where work exceeded the norm):

The positives highlighted in green:

• Reading books - did well enough to track against my goal of 24 books, ended up completing 21 books last year. Not bad.
• Spirituality - tracking very nicely, spent 10 days in seclusion in June, time well spent.
• Me Time - this is time I spend by myself, thinking, exploring or even binge-watching shows ;-)

The areas of concern are:

• Health & Fitness - dismal year. I had some health issues creep up on me last year. Not good.
• Cycling - very little done. According to my Strava logs: 29 days, 47 hours, 585km.
• Blogging - regressed big time - need to do at least one post a month
• Entrepreneur - my ideas still collecting dust. Pathetic, makes me really wonder about this!

Major Outcomes for 2019: Intent

Broadly speaking, here's some outcomes I'd like to focus on this year, the detail in terms of specific targets is still tracked manually in the spreadsheet template:

• Professional
• Get work-hours down to a manageable level, target no more than 170 hours per month
• Continue to build a strong leadership team thus removing me as a bottleneck, focus on strategic outcomes, less operational
• Spread in more leave time, reduce sleepless nights to zero
• Personal - Individual - Entrepreneur 
• Spec out my Rage/Personametry product idea and get an MVP done, even if it's manual
• Attend at least 6 Start-Up meet-ups this year
• Personal - Individual - Health
• Improve current fitness state - there should be no 0% activities in a month
• Personal - Life & Family
• Introduce consistency & routine into happiness building activities - at least once a month we should develop a routine around the things we enjoy doing as a family